Hamburgers and...what-have-you

I'm sure you've been staying up late at night wondering if I'm still alive and kicking. Don't y'all worry your pretty little heads. I have been keeping plenty busy, and it's only going to get better in the coming weeks. A few days ago I took a little adventure to Hamburg (actually known for their fish, not their burgers) with a friend. It was glorious. I successfully fooled a minimum of three people into thinking that I speak German, so that right there is already a success in my book. But I would say that the real highlight came from another incident in which I not only admitted to, but thanked my lucky stars for my lack of German.
So, my friend and I were just wandering, exploring and what-have-you, and stopped to look at the cute little river with the oh-so-presh buildings surrounding. Pause. There's something else you have to know about Hamburg. It has more rich people than hamburgers. They are seriously walking high-society billboards. Unpause. So there we were, and my friend was just saying how lovely the people there are, when all of a sudden we were approached by a dinosaur. She was smaller than me but she got right in my face and started German-ing to me. I tried to do a look back over my shoulder for some support, or at least a hint as to what she's saying and then she said, "Verstehest du kein Deutsch?" *rich, snappy, old lady voice* which I quickly confirmed. She tsk-ed a little then reached behind me and I realized that my purse was open. Thought running through my head: "Aaaaah! She's going to pickpocket me. Right in front of my face. That's bold. Ok. Keep your eyes on the goods." Instead she grabbed the back of my jacket (which, by the way is a super cute red trench coat, and I was totally rocking it). Next thought running through my mind: "OMGN DoI have toilet paper hanging from the bottom of my coat?! How did that get there? How long has it been there? How embarrassing!" But alas, wrong again. Instead she gestures wildly at the X-stitching which I accidentally left in the slit, and continues to instruct me in German. I nodded fiercely and she walked back to her friend who had been waiting and went on her merry way. All in a day's work for the class patrol. Job well done.
The questions were whirring around in my head.
1. How did she see that when I wasn't even moving?
2. How did she see that with here eyes being so old?
3. Why was she looking at my bum?
4. Is this kind of intervention commonplace or am I just that special/outlandish?
...just to name a few...

I'm not sayin'; I'm just sayin'.